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Bill Cosby rise up Jokes

Every father says an equivalent thing: "Where's your mother?"

It was due to my father that from the ages of seven to fifteen, i believed that my name was Jesus and my brother, Russell, thought that his name was Dammit. "Dammit, can you stop all that noise?" And, "Jesus Christ, sit down!" sooner or later, i am out taking part in within the rain, and my father loud, "Dammit can you come back to in here!" I same, "Dad, i am prophet Christ!"

I same to a bloke, "Tell me, what's it regarding cocain that produces it thus fantastic," and he same, "Because it intensifies your temperament." I said, "Yes, however what if you are associate degree asshole?"

God features a sense a humor and God same, "Let him have a lady." Plop. Came out. and that i had my kid there, 1st born reception, and it will one thing to you once you are a father. you are home, you know, very home. and also the baby was dirty, she'd created alittle poo-poo. My married person and that i were thus happy once the kid created the poo-poo. we have a tendency to asked the kid...

After removal in a very dentist's workplace, you are gonna spit into this miniature bowl. you have got no bottom lip thus you let it all fall out and say, "Thank God for gravity." currently you would like to take a seat back, however you cannot as a result of hanging from your bottom lip could be a long line and you cannot savvy off your bottom lip. Oh, if you would like to be gross, you'll grab it and throw it over there. however you are attempting to be sleek regarding it.

My father established our relationship after I was seven years recent. He checked out ME and same, "You know, I brought you during this world, and that i will take you out. And it do not build no distinction to ME, i am going to build another one look similar to you."

My folks ne'er smiled... as a result of I had brain injury. My married person and that i do not smile as a result of our youngsters ar LOADED with it. Oh, my folks smile currently, whenever they are available over to the house and see what proportion hassle i am having. Oh, they need a ball! "Havin' a li'l hassle, huh, son?"

A person with no youngsters says, "Well I simply love youngsters," and you say "Why?" and that they say, "Because a baby is thus truthful, that is what i really like regarding 'em - they tell the reality." that is a lie, I've got 5 of 'em. the sole time they tell the reality is that if they are having pain.

When you are a father you censor yourself. You get even as angry with a baby however you do not need to mention, "What the filth and foul and i am going to filth and foul, filth and foul and, yeah, ya filth and foul face, and i am going to filth and foul, foul, filth!" you do not need to mention that to a baby thus you censor yourself associate degreed you sound like an idiot: "What the... Get your... I'll put a... Get out of my face!"

Dentists tell you to not choose your teeth with any sharp metal object. Then you sit in their chair... and also the very first thing they grab is associate degree iron hook.

My married person and that i we have a tendency tore intellectuals before we had youngsters. we have a tendency to were terribly, terribly bright individuals. My married person graduated from the University of Maryland, psychology major with a B-plus average, which implies that if you raise her an issue a few child's behavior, she's going to offer you a minimum of associate degree eighty five answer. I, from Temple University, education major with a baby psychological science minor, which implies that if you solicit from me an issue a few child's behavior, i'll tell you to inform the kid to require a lap.

I asked my father for a dollar for the varsity picnic, he told ME however he killed a brown bear along with his loose-leaf notebook.

Now, this is often the fun half regarding obtaining intoxicated . They get intoxicated , then they become paranoid. Now, after they set out, they said, "Let's get high and celebrate." thus they are high; currently they are paranoid. "Am I breakup of this chair?"

Bill Cosby show Quotes

Ghost pater (199) (Elliot Hopper)

Elliot Hopper: however I've ought to build it to Thursday. It's for my youngsters. My married person died a couple of years agone and i am all they need left. Please, Sir "Edith."
Sir Edith Moser: Sir "Edd-ith." Mozer.
Elliot Hopper: however on... on the book it's spelled "Edith."
Sir Edith Moser: however it's pronounced "Edd-ith."
Elliot Hopper: that is a girl's name.
Sir Edith Moser: Look here, it's not a girl's name. Edith could be a boy's name.
Elliot Hopper: WHO were you named after?
Sir Edith Moser: i used to be named when my grandmama!
Elliot Hopper: and that they known as her "Edd-ith?"
Sir Edith Moser: No! Her name is "Edith!"
Elliot Hopper: thus you see, it's a girl's name!
Sir Edith Moser: No, it's NOT!

Amanda Hopper: dad. Joan same you'll go bleep bleep yourself. She same you guys ought to speak and she'll fill within the bleeps later.
Elliot Hopper: Okay, honey. Thank you.
[Somebody knocks on the front door]
Elliot Hopper: that has got to be Joan coming back over to fill within the bleeps.

Elliot Hopper: [in heavier-than-air craft bathroom] What ar you doing here?
Sir Edith Moser: Flying to London.
Elliot Hopper: Why did you decision me?
Sir Edith Moser: I same i would be line you once more.
Elliot Hopper: however i am at work!
Sir Edith Moser: [yells] i can not believe it! All you would like to try and do it go back!
Elliot Hopper: Yes! Send ME back now! Look, if you wish to ascertain ME thus unhealthy, send ME letter of invitation, decision ME au fait the phone, or simply intercommunicate to my house. however simply do not *whoosh* ME around any more!

Elliot Hopper: what proportion cash does one need to prevent this car? i am going to offer you $20 to prevent -
[a automobile virtually crashes into the taxi. The horn blares]
Elliot Hopper: $40 to prevent this cab!
[driver does not respond]
Elliot Hopper: I got $76 in here. i am going to contribute the pocketbook too. it is a baby Gucci.

Diane Hopper: [pops TV dinner in microwave] All i buy is grease around here. I clean up. I do the laundry
Amanda Hopper: I dispose of the rubbish
Diane Hopper: I cook the meals and what do i buy for it? Nothing however complaints.
Elliot Hopper: [yells] i do not complain regarding your cooking!
Diane Hopper: affirmative you are doing. All the time. Loud and clear. What about... what regarding Wednesday, huh? What regarding... what regarding last Friday? What regarding last Sat night, huh? Close! "Oh, Diane, however are you able to screw up Spaghetti-Os?"

Let's make out once more (1975) (Billy Foster)

Billy Foster: [Beth kisses Billy on cheek]
Beth Foster: that is for showing ME one among the nicest times I've ever had in my life.
Billy Foster: Is, uh, that every one i am gonna get?
Beth Foster: that is all you gonna get publically.
Billy Foster, letter of the alphabet Foster: [Laughter. Billy grabs Beth's behind]
Beth Foster: [Squeals] Stop!
[Squeals]
Beth Foster: You recent thing!
Billy Foster: [Laughs] you recognize you like it.
Beth Foster: affirmative, I do.
Billy Foster: Woo! And tonight i am gonna lay a blockbuster on you. To-*night*!
Beth Foster: Yeah? American state, i am gonna have a block for you to bust, too, baby, thus you higher bring an entire lotta hammer.
Billy Foster: Have hammer, can travel and go into your crevice.

Bill Engvall rise up Jokes

"I'd like to be a girl for sooner or later of my life...god.....I would be drunk with power."
"I'll tell you fellas what proportion ladies have power"
"Women will have a nasty day and blame it on their hair and that we obtain it"
"....Man could not try this hell no..Man could not have a nasty weiner day!"

I'm in my fifties currently, that could be a cool age. i really like being in my fifties as a result of individuals gotta hear you now; you have been around for for a while. Now, the opposite aspect of that coin is that -- cause you are in your fifties -- you continue to care what individuals accept you. thus you quite filter what you say. currently if that is the case, i can not wait till i am eighty. as a result of eighty-year-old individuals do not provides a damn what you think that. accept it: what number eighty-year-old individuals with any thoughtfulness in the slightest degree does one know? None! 'Cause they do not have to be compelled to! they are eighty! will grandparent hold her farts in at the dinner table? No! She does not have to. She's earned the proper to fart at your board. She'll fart at the pearly gates on her thanks to meet sweet prophet.

So we have a tendency to attend this club and from the git-go, we have a tendency to were thus out of our part. I mean we have a tendency to were walking up to the exterior door of the club and we're all reaching for our wallets and also the ostiary goes: 'Please...'. we have a tendency to appeared like we have a tendency to were cinematography a Flomax business.

We get in [the club], and that we ar all out of our part. there is this synthesizer-computer music going, there is these optical device lights and black lights. It's simply not our quite gig. thus we're standing there having a brew and every one of fulminant my friend goes, 'Hey man, look into that table over there. Those girls'. And there was a table of very young women. the right age to be in a very bar, however younger than United States. and that i go 'Yeah'. And he goes 'I assume they are checking you out'. i'm going 'Shut up. they don't seem to be checking ME out'. Of course, in my head, i am going 'Hell yea, {they're|they ar} checking ME out! What are you not seeing?'. And he goes 'Nah man, i believe they are gonna come back over'. i'm going 'Shut up'. and every one of fulminant, this one stands up, and she's regarding 5'10", smoking hot. she has got alittle, tight dress on, chop up to the hip and he or she has bolted eyes on ME. And my friend goes 'Duuuude, you're dead'. and that i circled to speak to them and -- this is often once you apprehend you have got specific friends -- they need all taken a step back from ME. thus currently i am simply the ordure within the bowl. and he or she is walking right at ME and i am thinking 'Oh my God'. In my head, this whole state of affairs goes down. i am thinking 'Just be cool, let her down simple...'. and he or she walks up to ME and says 'Hi'. and that i go 'Hi'. She goes 'I'm Bridget'. and that i go 'Hi saint, I'm fifty. And you are hot'. and that i go 'So why do not we have a tendency to do this? Look, before this gets awkward, let ME simply obtain your table a spherical of drinks, we'll decision it an evening, and it will be over'. and he or she goes 'Okay. however we have a tendency to thought you were Cindy's pater. She's instinctive reflex within the toilet thus we have a tendency to known as him'.

And, see, all these items is popping ME into this guy i do not need to be: that bad-tempered recent, get-off-my-yard guy. bear in mind that guy? He was like 'Ah get off my yard! I hate everybody. I hate kids'. It's creating ME this bad-tempered guy and that i don't need to be it. however i am going to offer you an excellent example. the opposite day, i used to be in my automobile and that i got stuck behind a college bus. Now, i do not apprehend if you have been stuck behind a college bus before, however once you are there, you are stuck. I've passed urinary organ stones faster than you'll get around a college bus.

I love being fifty. Fifty could be a terribly cool age. however it will go together with some responsibilities. Like fifty-year-old guys cannot quit with very young women any longer. Up to fifty, you can. however once you hit fifty, you become that creepy recent guy. And we've all done it. You see some recent guy with some young lady, you do not sit there and go 'Aw, that's thus sweet'. this is often what everyone during this area says: 'Money or medication, that is all i am language. cash or drugs'.

Here's Your Sign (1996)

My bitch in highschool had a twelve foot Constrictor constrictor, she named it downy. that is simply sick in my book. Well, we have a tendency to re-examine to her house, i do not realize the snake, and he or she says, "Hang on whereas i buy into one thing more leisurely, okay?" and i am like, "All right!" a couple of minutes later, she comes out sporting that snake round her neck, i am backin' away, saying, "No thanks, I will drive." She says to ME, "No, wait, Bill. downy will wrap around United States whereas we have a tendency to get laid." I said, "No, he can't. 'Cause i am going to kill him. Okay?"[1]

[playing golf along with his friends]
So finally, on regarding the fifteenth tee, I hit the drive of my life. And any of you those who play golf, you recognize the drive i am talking regarding. The minute you hit it, you only drop your club. You droop on to the brew, let's aren't getting stupid. and that i watch this ball simply go and go and . . . quite hit this guy within the head. and that i felt unhealthy, however he overreacted, I thought. I mean, it wasn't sort of a sq. hit; it simply quite glanced off his head. however he goes whippin' his automobile off the main road, like "here we have a tendency to go!" adult male. Attitude! thus currently, he is barreling down the green screaming at the highest of his lungs, like "what ar you, some quite cruddy golfer?" i am like, "hey, I hit you, did not I? You were traveling lxv miles associate degree hour. that is a reasonably sensible shot in my book."

Now that is awing (2000)

[about an event in a very occasional shop]
I go "I simply need a cup of black occasional." She goes "Do you would like to do a biscotti? they are from Italian Republic and they are thought of a delicacy." have you ever ever eaten one among these things? It tastes sort of a burned cookie. wherever i am from, that is thought of miscalculation.[2]

[during somewhat regarding dogs]
That's why they are man's ally. 'Cause guys need buddies that ar dumber than they're. thus do ladies, however they've already got men.[2]

[about however individuals within the 90's used "awesome" wrongly]
Webster's lexicon defines awing as "anything that leaves you in awe and marvel." Like winning the lottery ... twice. that may be awing. obtaining a telephone call from the bureau language you have been audited and that they owe you $50,000. that may be awing. Ladies, you awaken tomorrow and also the newspaper reads "Scientists have discovered how for men to expertise giving birth." that may be awing. obtaining invited to the Corinthian Mansion ... on exerciser night. that may be awing. and that i started thinking what would be awing for Bill Engvall? What would go away ME in awe and wonder? And it'd have to be compelled to be if I left this stage tonight and went back to my sleeping room. And Shania span MEt me at my door, sporting nothing however a coat, holding a note from my married person that same "have an honest time." that may be AWESOME! It ain't gonna happen; however that may be awing.

Cheap Drunk: associate degree life story (2002)

My married person and that i had associate degree argument last week that was thus stupid, that it bears continuance.

I've come back up with the 3 stuff you ne'er need to listen to at your kid's parent/teacher conference. variety one: "You're solely accountable for the primary $10,000 value of harm." variety two: "We have medication for this." And variety three: "It was over an oz and he was but 100 yards from the varsity."

[about his son Travis]
[He] will procrastinate over any child I've ever met in my life. after I tell my son to travel take a shower, it will simply be forty-five minutes before I hear the water begin running. does one got one like this? He gets up in his toilet, 'cause he has attend the toilet once more. and that i do not even assume he must go; i believe he simply enjoys the comfort of that seat. It's like his La-Z-Boy rocker. he is got books ahead of it, and LEGOs. And one night, I told him to travel take a shower, and that i did not hear the water last regarding associate degree hour, and that i same "that is it!" and that i went upstairs and that i walked in his area, and that i detected this "boom, boom, boom." and that i looked round the corner of the toilet, he's standing butt naked ahead of the mirror going "shake your boom boom, shake your boom boom." and that i let it select regarding 10 seconds, then went "SHAKE IT, BOY!" we do not nekkid dance any longer.

Aged and Confused (2009)

[about however he and his married person cannot quit on a date, since they are married]
(A) i am not reaching to get to choose the eating place. as a result of i am reaching to go "where does one need to eat?", and she's reaching to go "I do not care." thus i am going to say, "okay, however regarding Italian?" "Hmmmm...." i am not reaching to get to choose the show, and there is a true sensible probability i am not reaching to get lucky! that is not a date!

We may walk into a Chinese eating place right here in Chicago. and also the waiter may are born here, raised here, visited faculty here, he has ne'er left town limits. i am the changeling that walks in this eating place and goes [in exaggerated Chinese] "Uh, yes. i am going to have dish. Egg roll..." And you'll see him go "I am thus reaching to spit in your food, I swear to God." And it drives my girl crazy. 'Cause she goes "why does one do that? that's thus insulting to them!"